Ponderings With Pixies by Gilderoy Lockhart
by rhymeswithwitch
Summary: CHAPTER 7 UP! Ponderings With Pixies: They're Worse Than They Look! Another bestsellertextbook by the infamous and fabulous Gilderoy Lockhart! Learn about defending yourself from pixies, buying lilac hats, and more! Please read and review! Thanks!
1. Introduction

PONDERINGS WITH PIXIES: They're Worse Than They Look!  
By Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
~The newest bestseller from the remarkable  
and handsome...Gilderoy!~  
  
Table of Contents  
  
I. Introduction  
II. All About Me (and pixies of course!)  
III. Hogwarts Happenings  
IV. Defending Yourself!  
V. Identifying Pixies  
VI. Maintaining Your Style (while fighting pixies)  
VII. A Day In The Life of a Pixie Fighter  
VIII. My Experiences with Pixies  
IX. A Biography  
X. Conclusion – By Albus Dumbledore!  
  
I. Introduction  
  
Greetings!  
I'm back! Yes, I, after a long break away from the writing scene, have come back with my newest bestseller! *ahem* I mean my newest book. After teaching at Hogwarts for a year, I feel experienced enough with the foul, dark creature...the pixie...to write a book about it.  
Many of my students may remember my first lesson, with pixies. But that's Chapter Eight! Anywho, my first lesson inspired me to begin writing once again! And so here I am...here to tell my harrowing tales of horrendous pixies, over-priced lilac hats, silly students, and, most of all...me!  
  
Sincerely yours,  
Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
Oh, and by the way, I don't think my publisher would be happy that I snuck that bit about lilac hats into this pixie book. So let's keep that between us, shall we? Grand!  
Oh, and I almost forgot! Albus Dumbledore, infamous headmaster of Hogwarts, has graciously offered to write the conclusion for this book. Although, old Albus isn't as fabulous and famous as me! At least I hope not...  
  
***OKAY, PEOPLE! REVIEW! IT'S NOT HARD! JUST CLICK THAT LITTLE BUTTON AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! MORE CHAPTERS COMING VERY SOON! THANKS, LAUREN*** 


	2. All About Me and pixies of course!

II. All About Me (and pixies of course!)  
  
They're fierce....they're brutal...they're worse than they look...they're...  
  
PIXIES!!!!  
  
The pixie. Classified as XXX by the Ministry of Magic, but in my personal opinion, that should be changed. To something along the lines of XXXXXXX. Definitely.  
Taken from "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them," by Newt Scamander, a pixie is described as:  
  
"The pixie is mostly found in Cornwall, England. Electric blue in colour, up to eight inches in height and very mischievous, the pixie delights in tricks and practical jokes of all descriptions. Although wingless, it can fly and has been known to seize unwary humans by the ears and deposit them  
at the tops of tall trees and buildings. Pixies produce high-pitched  
jabbering unintelligible only to other pixies. They bear live young."  
  
Although, honestly, that book isn't nearly as fantastic and famous as mine. Why on earth did they put the word "fantastic" in the title anyway? Anywho, it must be said that I of course can speak pixieish. I am one of the only wizards to have ever learned the strange and exotic language of the pixies.* For instance, if a pixie were to mumble, "Fuchawannakowalla," I would immediately know that that means, "I want some cake!" See? It is simple! But only the smartest of wizards, namely me, will ever be able to understand pixieish.  
  
I, from firsthand experience and all, know that pixies are devilish little creatures. I almost succumbed to one of the little prankster's jokes, but of course I was able to rouse myself in order to defend myself...and my pride!  
And soon you, too, will learn the art of defending yourself from the horrendous and vile little villains that pixies are. To learn more about pixies, go to the next chapter. But, really, who cares?  
You must learn about me! I am certainly not as vile as the pixies. For example, when I was at Hogwarts, I was named "Most Likely to Succeed." Or was it "Most Likely to Not Succeed?"  
See? I cannot even remember all of my awards, because I have closets full of them! This is a very important tidbit about me that no one else knows. The thing about the closet full of awards, I mean.  
But, we must move on! My editor says that I am not allowed to talk about myself – only the subject, which is pixies. But do not worry, my dear fans! I will sneak loads of facts about me, I promise you that!  
  
*Editor's Note: It must be remarked upon that "pixieish" is not really a language. Unless you count it as a language that Lockhart made up. But according to Ministry of Magic records, "pixieish" does not exist anywhere outside of Lockhart's head.  
  
***SO PEOPLE, WHAT DO YOU THINK? PLEASE REVIEW BY PRESSING THAT BUTTON BELOW! IF YOU DON'T, THEN I WILL HAVE TO HARASS YOU BY SCREAMING PIXIEISH AT YOU! AND TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT THAT! Thanks!*** 


	3. Hogwarts Happenings!

III. Hogwarts Happenings!  
  
Although this chapter has absolutely no reference whatsoever to pixies, who cares? We're certainly not going to miss them, now will we? I didn't think so. I did promise you I would get some information about myself in here. But this isn't necessarily about me...it's about HOGWARTS HAPPENINGS!  
Take Professor Severus Snape, for instance. That large nose of his? Plastic surgery gone wrong. (Actually called Magic Surgery in the wizarding world) I swear it! I was talking to him one day...  
  
*Me, the fabulous Lockhart: "I recently got a magic-botox injection in my chin. It's worked wonders! All they did was point their wand at my chin, and look at me now! Fabulous, no?"  
*Severus Snape: "No."  
*Me, the fabulous Lockhart: "Whatever! Have you ever though of getting Magic/Plastic surgery? That nose of yours..."  
*Severus Snape: "No."  
  
And then the old chap walked away from me! Imagine that! So, as you can see, I have it on good authority that Severus Snape has indeed gotten Magic/Plastic surgery. Gone wrong, of course. And have you heard the latest on that Trelawney woman-*  
  
Pixies have inhabited the Forbidden Forest of Hogwarts for a very long time. They tend to nest in the trees and prey on Bowtruckles. (For more on Bowtruckles, see my book "Boredom with Bowtruckles", in stores soon!) Pixies bear live young in horrid, putrid, black eggs. When the eggs hatch, more pixies inhabit the area. Like we need more pixies anyway!  
The sorts of pranks pixies like to use include: Hanging little schoolchildren on chandeliers, taking famous wizards' wands away, hitting people with books, and just randomly causing mayhem whenever they are not locked in a cage.  
Which brings me to the section in this chapter called: "Lockhart's Lessons!" Here's the first:  
  
LOCKHART'S LESSONS!  
Lesson #1  
  
When dealing with pixies, it is best to lock them in a cage. It is also quite useful, I have learned, to know the right spell. For instance, NEVER use the spell "Pesky pixies Peskanomi!" It didn't work for me, and it most  
certainly will not work for you!  
  
See? Whenever I learn a lesson, you learn a lesson! It's a simple as that. But now, we must learn exactly what spells will work when dealing with pesky pixies. I'm sure I can think of more adjectives to describe pixies...  
Putrid  
Provoking  
Poor  
See?! I can use a thesaurus! I have learned something in my life! *ahem* Forget I said that.  
Anyway, on to the next chapter, which is all about Defending Yourself! I sure am looking forward to that one!  
  
*EDITOR'S NOTE: I had to cut off Lockhart at that point. What he was about to reveal about Sybil Trelawney...let's just say it might possibly ruin her career as a Seer. Besides, this is a book about pesky pixies and the ponderings he has had about them! Not about his lilac hats!*  
  
***PLEASE REVIEW! THAT'S ALL I AM GOING TO SAY! CHAPTER FOUR UP SOON!*** 


	4. Defending Yourself!

*BEFORE I BEGIN. I would like to thank every one of my reviewers. By name. So...SO MUCH THANKS TO: G. Lockhart (hehe hilarious review!), flattenedowl (as always! *smiles*), A+Student, paganpig (love the pen name!), Spawn, NatsterSugerRush, Jamesies, and anonymous.*  
  
IV. Defending Yourself!  
  
This is a very important part of this book. Defensive mechanisms you will need to get away safely from fiendish pixies are discussed here. **NOTE TO SELF: Look up words "fiendish," "mechanisms," and "defensive."***  
  
The first step to defending yourself is this: Dress in lilac robes. You are probably wondering why. So I will tell you. You simply must look good! Even if you are doing slightly messy work, it is highly important that you look gorgeous while doing it! I'm not sure the pixies would mind, so why should you?  
  
The second stop is this: Get out your wand. No explanation needed here (and not even for me! That must mean this step is very simple!)  
  
The third pointer for defending is...Learn spells! One of the ones I find most handy is "Immobulus!" This will stop all the nasty pixies in midair, allowing you to catch them and putting them back in their cage, where they belong. (Strangely, this idea sounds vaguely familiar...I wonder where I got it from anyway?)  
  
SO LET'S PUT IT ALL TOGETHER! Always dress in lilac robes. Well, that's obvious. Then, when confronted with a swarm of pixies, pull out your wand, shout "immobulus!" and all will be well. Or at least I hope it will, or else I can be sued! See? Pixies are so underrated. They are clearly much worse than they seem.  
  
But wait...do you even know what a pixie is? Or where to find them? What if one of them is right in front of you (HA! Made you look!), and you didn't even know it? That is why we go to our next chapter, IDENTIFYING PIXIES, which will answer these, and many more of your fascinating questions. Like..."What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite book?" or "What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite item of clothing?"  
  
Although...we already know my favorite type of clothing. Scarves! Duh. And so! Adventure on, my dear fans! Chapter five awaits!  
  
***IF YOU DO NOT REVIEW, GILDEROY LOCKHART WILL HIT YOU WITH ONE OF HIS INFAMOUS AND IRREVERSIBLE MEMORY CHARMS!!! UNLESS IT REBOUNDS ON TO HIM....OH WELL, PLEASE JUST REVIEW! CHAPTER FIVE COMING VERY VERY SOON!*** 


	5. Identifying Pixies

*YET ANOTHER QUICK NOTE FROM MOI: I feel I need to address some of the reviews I've gotten. I know that the chapters are short, but I update almost everyday, so I hope it isn't too much of a problem. I know they are short, but that's just the way I've written it. But thanks SO MUCH to everyone who has reviewed it means a lot! Thanks, Lauren*  
  
V. Identifying Pixies (with a question-and-answer section too! Woohoo!)  
  
Another essential chapter to this essential book is about to be revealed...now! *clears throat* Now that that is covered, I guess we should discuss how you will know if that strange little creature you are looking at is a pixie or not. (HA! Made you look again!)  
  
Anywho, if you are traveling in the woods, which you are most likely to do sometime in your life, then you must be ready to fight anything that comes your way – especially pixies. Pixies nest mostly in trees, and seeing as how trees are in woods, well, there are pixies in the woods! Wait...that doesn't make any sense.  
  
If a small being flies up to you, and is electric blue in color, then you have been confronted with a pixie. Then, as I have previously instructed you, you should use your immobulus spell on the said pixie. If a small being flies up to you and is NOT electric blue in color, then it is NOT a pixie. Clear? Well, to make it even more clear, here is a list of traits common in every pixie:  
  
-Electric blue in color  
-Small, about eight inches high  
-Wingless  
-Ugly  
-Large, webbed-like hands  
-Did I mention ugly?  
  
But who cares, really?? Nobody. But, because I am out to make money, and since my editor told me to, I will answer some of the most commonly asked questions about pixies...and me of course!  
  
Question: How many pixies currently inhabit Britain?  
  
Gilderoy's Answer: A lot.  
  
Question: What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite book?  
  
Gilderoy's Answer: Well! What a question indeed. I must say, there is a fantastic book out called, "Magical Me: An Autobiography." Wait a second...I wrote that! Imagine that!  
  
Question: Do pixies like to play jokes on animals as well as wizards?  
  
Gilderoy's Answer: Maybe.  
  
Question: What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite pastime?  
  
Gilderoy's Answer: Oooh, I like this question! I love ridding the world of evil, such as pixies. But besides that, I enjoy long bubble baths, and shampooing my hair with lilac shampoo. Simply divine!  
  
Question: Why do pixies bear live young?  
  
Gilderoy's Answer: I don't know.  
  
Well, the question-and-answer section of this marvelous chapter is over. I am sure I provided you with loads of new information on me...and pixies of course. Haha. It seems it's about time to wrap things up. Oh! But wait! We must go to...  
  
LOCKHART'S LESSONS!  
Lesson #2  
  
Throughout my long years (but not too long! I'm not that old!) as an evil- fighter, I have learned several things. Although I can't think of any right now. Hold on...give me a second. I'm sure I will be able to think of a lesson  
I've learned. Any minute now, I will remember. Wait...wait...nope. Nothing  
comes to mind. So, oh well to this Lockhart's Lesson!  
  
Well, time for our next chapter. *gasp!* It is the most important one of all!! None of this defending your self stuff I've been writing! It's...maintaining your style while fighting pixies! Oooh I can hardly stand the suspense!  
  
****IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE SUSPENSE EITHER, THAN PLEASE REVIEW THIS CHAPTER, AND THEN CHAPTER SIX WILL COME OUT EVEN SOONER! THANKS!**** 


	6. Maintaining Your Style while fighting pi...

VI. Maintaining Your Style (while fighting pixies!)  
  
THE MOST ESSENTIAL CHAPTER IN ALL THE HISTORY OF BOOKS IS THIS...HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR STYLE! Defending your self? No need for that. Identifying pixies? Pfuit!  
  
I have a five-step plan that will help you maintain your style. It is essential to follow all of these rules, or else your "style" will be horrible when you are fighting pixies.  
  
1) Before embarking on your pixie-hunting expedition, you must BRUSH YOUR TEETH! Using your lilac-colored toothbrush, and purple toothpaste, you must scrub those pearly whites down. So when you smile at pixies, they will be blinded by your amazing smile! Trust me, I know from experience.  
  
2) Buy lilac clothes!! Duh. Need I even mention this? But of course I do! Here is a small list of the types of lilac-colored clothing you will need: scarves, coats, socks, shoes, cloaks, pants, shirts, mittens, skirts (for women! blushes), dresses (once again...for women!), pajamas, and everything else you can think of.  
  
3) Comb your golden locks! Shampoo AT LEAST three times over with lilac shampoo, and condition with lilac conditioner at the end. Put your hair into curlers. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SHOW YOUR FEMININE SIDE! Hey, it worked for me! When your hair is all wavy and fabulous, comb it and be amazed at what three hours of hair preparation can do!  
  
4) Wax your eyebrows! Don't want to scare the pixies away with our monstrously hairy eyebrows now do we? Well, on second thought, we do want to scare away pixies, so forget about waxing. Hurts like the Dickens, I say!  
  
5) Paint your nails lilac! Eh...forget I said that...  
  
As long as you perform each and every one of these steps (except for number five...ahem) before fighting pixies, you will be able to maintain your sense of fashion as well as getting rid of common pests.  
  
SORRY SUCH AS SHORT CHAPTER, BUT I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH TIME...BUT I PROMISE THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE GOOD! SO KEEP REVIEWING AND READING! Lauren 


	7. A Day In The Life Of A Pixie Fighter

VII. A Day in the Life of a Pixie Hunter!  
  
So you wanna be a pixie hunter, eh? WELL TOO BAD! I'm the only one around! ahem Ha-ha I am just joshing children! Of course you can be a pixie pest controller person...if you follow a strict daily regimen! Take me, for example. So now, I will show you what it is like to be me...in the day in the life of...  
  
GILDEROY LOCKHART!  
  
Err...I mean a pixie hunter! Ha-ha!  
  
9:00 am – Can't wake up too early! I need my beauty sleep! Anywho, this is the time I normally arise. After brushing my teeth (with a lilac toothbrush, wink wink) I make breakfast. Now, this is essential. You need something sturdy to get you through your hard days' work of pixie fighting! Like pancakes! With maple syrup. Excellent. Room service?...  
  
10:00 am – Now that my morning routine (which includes a lilac bubble bath and my morning calisthenics) is concluded, it is time to get dressed! I just recently figured out how to dress myself! ahem Anyway, for a good pick-me-up, I would recommend lilac robes. Or any color of the rainbow robes. None of that black nonsense. Or maybe that snazzy electric blue robe with the sizzling gold stars on it that I have buried in my trunk somewhere...ah well, just choose a zesty robe to get you going!  
  
11:00 am – Getting dressed takes a long time! Now is the time to set your hair to wavy perfection! Wavy hair is a must if you are a pixie fighter!  
  
12:00 am – You're dressed, you're hair is done, you're fabulous looking...and it only took three hours! Now it is time...drum roll...to go out into the world and fight evil!  
  
1:00 pm – I wander around (aimlessly) Diagon Alley at about this hour. A good pixie fighter/author needs to get a brisk breeze to become inspired!  
  
2:00 pm – I usually go check out the latest window display at Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. They know me very well over there...if the Madam has any new robes in stock then I usually buy them. But if not, I stroll (aimlessly) around Diagon Alley some more. I'm not a washed up old man, I swear it!  
  
3:00 pm – Look! A pixie! Behind you! Takes out his wand and quickly vanquishes it into infinity! Oh oops that was a photographer. Shoot! Not again!  
  
4:00 pm – If there is no longer any evil to get rid of, I usually go home around now. Fantastic day it was, no? It's amazing being a pixie hunter! Isn't it? At the end of the day you always feel accomplished! Right?...  
  
CHAPTER EIGHT COMING SOON! PLEASE REVIEW! SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO PUT THIS ONE UP... 


	8. My Experiences With Pixies

VIII. My Experiences With Pixies  
  
I would not be writing this masterpiece of a book if I didn't have any stories to tell about pixies! I mean, there are many memories that I have to share...like my first class at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!  
  
All those little children...all of them were SO frightened when I brought out that cage full of deadly Cornish Pixies. But not to worry! I saved the day! Obviously. I brandished my wand, said a load of spells (I can't remember which ones exactly, ha-ha!) and then I captured the pixies and put them back into their cage. I SAVED THOSE CHILDREN! Without me...who knows what would have happened?!  
  
And then, when I was in Belgium, I was staying at a cozy little pub in the magical neighborhood. SUDDENLY, out of nowhere, a pack of pixies comes flying up and surrounds the whole pub! All of the citizens crouched in the corner while I was sent to defend the town. But was I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Defender of Justice, scared? Of course not! I was unfazed. My golden hair waved crazily (but not too crazily thanks to Madame Dame's Magical Hair Gel) in the wind thousands of pixie wings created.  
  
I took my wand...and screamed "Expelliarmus!" Oops, no, wrong spell. Ha ha. I meant to say, "Immobulus!" Yeah, that's right. I continued shouting and pointing at numerous pixies until they were all still in the air. With the help of all the little people cowering in the pub, we put them in a large net. Then we put the net in the forest. The town, thanks to my miraculous heroism, has now been pixie-free for two weeks!  
  
I have many more stories to share, but you don't want to hear about them do you? Oh silly me! Of COURSE you do!  
  
Whilst I was in the French Riviera, I was sleeping in the fabulous yacht that my good wizard friend lent to me. ALL OF A SUDDEN, a pixie flew up to me and looked at me all threateningly-like! I grabbed my wand but the scoundrel had taken it! I was shocked but not in the least bit fazed! After attempting to recover my wand, but failing, I went back to sleep. I can always get another one from old Ollivander's, eh?  
  
Well that's it for now! GASPS LOUDLY The best is yet to come! My Biography...I'll for sure win a Pulitzer for that one!  
  
I KNOW IT'S BEEN AWHILE, BUT PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE AND I'LL GET A CHAPTER UP TOMORROW IF YOU REVIEW! THANKS! 


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